Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Queen Of 'Show' not 'Tell'
By Theresa Chang
The sun was nowhere to be seen. Instead, rain and wind were everywhere. The heavy downpour was almost like waterfalls (2). Wind howled (4) even louder than wolves. The city was in a gloomy (1) mood as there was a traffic jam.
*Seated in the front seat, safety belt across my chest, I hummed a song as I watched the rain fall. Father was grumbling about the traffic, the weather, the oil price and everything else he could think of – which was a lot! (3) We were on our way to send bunches of roses, daisies and carnations to some customers of my family’s shop.
The traffic lights turned green and the snake-like queues inched forward. I looked at the greyish sky which told me that rain would carry on for the entire afternoon. *Looking at trees and raindrops always made me feel so peaceful.
Out of the blue, I heard a loud ‘bang’ and the car sank to the ground! I stared blankly at the back mirror and I saw a large tree trunk that had dropped out of nowhere and landed on the roof. Father, for once, was too stunned to talk and had gone weak with shock. I could feel the tyres deflating under the weight of the more-than-ten-years-old tree. All of a sudden I felt so helpless that I started crying. Salty tears dripped from my eyes onto my face into my lap. I went on sobbing until my vision was blurred. *Father, who had been speechless, woke up form shock and tried to do something for our safety.
“Bang!” A loud knock and muffled shouts stopped me from weeping for a moment. I looked at the man standing outside my door who was gesturing at me to unlock the door. *Hesitantly, I undid the safety lock. *With a loud blow, the door was thrown open. In front of me was a man wearing a striped shirt.
*Without a word, he unhooked the safety belt and ‘peeled’ me off my seat. A man carrying an umbrella took me aside to a bus stop for shelter while going back for my father. A lady in black knocked on his door. Father opened the door on his side faster than I had.
*Within minutes, Dad was by my side putting his arms around me and saying comforting words to me as he thanked the three rescuers. Many cars behind us started to ‘hoot’ to express their feelings! A lady in her twenties, holding on to her umbrella, phoned the police to get our out-of-shape car away.
In the end we went home with the help of the man in striped shirt. The next day, our photos were on every newspaper but as they were quite blurred, none of my friends recognised me – the miserable girl who got ‘crushed’ by a tree. As for father, he had bought insurance for his car and was happy to find that the new car would not cost him too much.
Please note:
(1) red: adjectives that tell me more
(2)green: comparisons make effective visuals
(3)pink: feelings - father, the author and even 'cars' expressed their feelings
(4)purple: verbs that create strong visuals and are action packed
*Excellent sentence structure
The sun was nowhere to be seen. Instead, rain and wind were everywhere. The heavy downpour was almost like waterfalls (2). Wind howled (4) even louder than wolves. The city was in a gloomy (1) mood as there was a traffic jam.
*Seated in the front seat, safety belt across my chest, I hummed a song as I watched the rain fall. Father was grumbling about the traffic, the weather, the oil price and everything else he could think of – which was a lot! (3) We were on our way to send bunches of roses, daisies and carnations to some customers of my family’s shop.
The traffic lights turned green and the snake-like queues inched forward. I looked at the greyish sky which told me that rain would carry on for the entire afternoon. *Looking at trees and raindrops always made me feel so peaceful.
Out of the blue, I heard a loud ‘bang’ and the car sank to the ground! I stared blankly at the back mirror and I saw a large tree trunk that had dropped out of nowhere and landed on the roof. Father, for once, was too stunned to talk and had gone weak with shock. I could feel the tyres deflating under the weight of the more-than-ten-years-old tree. All of a sudden I felt so helpless that I started crying. Salty tears dripped from my eyes onto my face into my lap. I went on sobbing until my vision was blurred. *Father, who had been speechless, woke up form shock and tried to do something for our safety.
“Bang!” A loud knock and muffled shouts stopped me from weeping for a moment. I looked at the man standing outside my door who was gesturing at me to unlock the door. *Hesitantly, I undid the safety lock. *With a loud blow, the door was thrown open. In front of me was a man wearing a striped shirt.
*Without a word, he unhooked the safety belt and ‘peeled’ me off my seat. A man carrying an umbrella took me aside to a bus stop for shelter while going back for my father. A lady in black knocked on his door. Father opened the door on his side faster than I had.
*Within minutes, Dad was by my side putting his arms around me and saying comforting words to me as he thanked the three rescuers. Many cars behind us started to ‘hoot’ to express their feelings! A lady in her twenties, holding on to her umbrella, phoned the police to get our out-of-shape car away.
In the end we went home with the help of the man in striped shirt. The next day, our photos were on every newspaper but as they were quite blurred, none of my friends recognised me – the miserable girl who got ‘crushed’ by a tree. As for father, he had bought insurance for his car and was happy to find that the new car would not cost him too much.
Please note:
(1) red: adjectives that tell me more
(2)green: comparisons make effective visuals
(3)pink: feelings - father, the author and even 'cars' expressed their feelings
(4)purple: verbs that create strong visuals and are action packed
*Excellent sentence structure
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