Thief 3

The ever so sly and cunning theif sneaked into the museum which holds the worlds finest jewels.He wore a black mask whcih covered his entire face except for his eyes.He was wearing a suit as black as charcoal and had dark blue sapphire eyes.In one hand he held a big empty sack ,ready to be filled with the finest jewellerys there is.As he walked into the hallway he saw the most magnifecent ,beautiful and biggest diamond ever! kept in a glass box. He made a wicked smile ready to steal the diamond,reaching out with his enormous hand holding a knife ready to cut through the glass box and steal the diamond.

The ever so sly and cunning (theif) thief sneaked into the museum which (holds) held the world's finest jewels. He wore a black mask which covered his entire face except for his eyes. (He was wearing a suit as black as night and had dark blue sapphire eyes.) In one hand, he held a big empty sack ready to be filled with the finest jewels of all colours.

As he walked into the hallway, he saw the most (magnificent, ) eye-catching and biggest diamond ever! It was kept in a glamorous glass box.

He (made a wicked smile to himself) smiled wickedly (and got ready to steal the diamond,) reaching out with (his) an enormous ( hand holding a) knife, ready to cut through the glass box and steal the diamond.

Mrs Chien: I can see this thief! This means the description was effective! Yes!

Now, sometimes, it's better to refrain from physical descriptions as they can sound awkward. Instead describing people's actions is more interesting. Also 1 brilliant adjective can be better that 2 not so great ones.

Discipline Mistress 2

Everyone kept silent as the Discipline Mistress walked into the hall she was holding Fauzia's hand in her hand.She dragged Fauzia to the front of the hall.Her eyes looked very serious.Then,she took the mike and said ,"We have found the culprit of the person that tried to burn the toilet".Then she took out a cane from behind her back ,a table was dragged to the front of the hall.Fauzia stood forward and as the Discipline Mistress raised her cane i closed my eyes.........
By Hong Wei


Everyone kept silent as the Discipline Mistress walked into the hall. She was holding Fauzia's hand and dragged her to the front of the hall.

Her eyes looked very serious ( she took the mike) and taking the microphone, she said harshly, "We have found the culprit who tried to burn the toilet". Slowly, she took out a cane from behind her back while a table was dragged to the front of the hall.

Fauzia stood forward and as the Discipline Mistress raised her cane I closed my eyes.........

Mrs Chien: Successful description that allows us to see the action on stage.
Try to create smooth movement in between sentences.

Discipline Mistress 3

The (fat and) plump discipline mistress walked (along the way linked to) into the hall. (Everyone shut down their 'machine gun in their mounth' and the hall) The noise stopped (was as died) as in a deserted haunted house.

She took out a notebook and called out the ('criminals') names(, ) (mine friends) Justin and Pete prayed hard (to god to let them off this and the only time but they all know what was going to happen to them.) not to be on the list.

When their names (was) were being call they knew that they are going to bear the consequnces of damaging the school property.Last week, when they are being questioned by the disipline misstress they denied it but the dissipline misstress found out who was the culprit. So today they are going to be caned!When the disipline misstress gave the order the teacher hold up the can and slash,that hurt!! screamed of pain echoed the hall and that certainly sent down shrill down mine spine,mine hands feel wet and numb.....

Mrs Chien: In the first part, there is an attempt at using your senses to make observations at what was happening in the hall. That is good.

But in the second part, you revert back to telling the reader eveything and the story immediately lost originality and momentum.

Discipline Mistress 1

I watched in amusement as I saw the (ever so scary) Discipline Mistress (gave) give a lecture to HongWei (, a very annoying boy,) outside the noisy hall.

(The discipline Mistress was wearing a blue, long-sleeved shirt and pink skirt which looked tight on her chubby body.)(1)

Her face (was) looked frightening (with all the frowns) as she frowned and her angry eyes ( they were serious, angry and) were piercing sharp. Her gray and black hair was up in a bun and her glasses (were) dangling (off) on the tip of her nose shook with every word that came out of her mouth. ( her hands were on her hips clenched into a fist.)

I took a glance at the terrified Hong Wei and scurried into the hall, not wanting to meet the Discipline Misstress' eyes. (I saw the Discipline Mistress dismiss Hong Wei off, who was sobbing quietly.)

Mrs Chien: Some excellent observations make us see the Discipline Mistress well.

Physical descriptions can often be awkward, so refrain from using them. Instead describe people's actions which always lead to a more vivid picture.

Notice that by adding the phrase in red, I allow you to see how scary she is - I didn't need to tell you she was scary.