The thief crept into the room quietly(,). (the atmosphere around) It was very quiet. The thief had (wrap) wrapped a piece of black cloth around his mouth to prevent people from recognising him. His eyes brightened when he finally found the gold he was looking for. (The thief) He put the gold into his bag and ran out in fear. "Bee Bee....." The security alarm rang(,). For a moment, he froze, (and) looked around and immediately ran out...
Mrs Chien: Some good observations were made.
Try not to repeat the same word over and over - that will make your reader lose interest. Here oyu used the word 'thief' 3 times. You can use other synonyms like - robber, the man, the intruder...
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Bully 1
The big bully walked into the class of 35 pupils and started shouting at the students (,).
( he said,)
' Whoever wants protection from me, has to pay me a fee of $20 a week!'
Everyone was afraid (1) of him as he was the most notorious (2) student in our entire school! (He went to a gang fight with 50 of his gang members at the void deck of Toh Yi Drive Blk 123 . he and his gang members took metal poles and some even took out Parangs' and went there to fight!!!! So now everyone is afraid of him. Even the biggest , largest and the scary looking Jordan was afraid of him!!!!)
Mrs Chien: How would someone scary look like? And how do you know when people are afraid?
For example: (2)
Even Jordan, the biggest bully in class dared not look at him. Strangely, I could hear the tick-tocking of the wall clock or was it coming from my own heart?
Also read my comments.
( he said,)
' Whoever wants protection from me, has to pay me a fee of $20 a week!'
Everyone was afraid (1) of him as he was the most notorious (2) student in our entire school! (He went to a gang fight with 50 of his gang members at the void deck of Toh Yi Drive Blk 123 . he and his gang members took metal poles and some even took out Parangs' and went there to fight!!!! So now everyone is afraid of him. Even the biggest , largest and the scary looking Jordan was afraid of him!!!!)
Mrs Chien: How would someone scary look like? And how do you know when people are afraid?
For example: (2)
Even Jordan, the biggest bully in class dared not look at him. Strangely, I could hear the tick-tocking of the wall clock or was it coming from my own heart?
Also read my comments.
Spiderman 3 / Best Spiderman ***
Spiderman swooped down from the clouds. While the spectators cheered, Spiderman fought his enemy, the Scorpion King. He shot his web all around the sky like a bird's nest.
Finally, Spiderman forced the Scorpion King to a dead end, where its grave was. Crowds cheered,"Hooray! Spiderman is our hero!!" Flashes of lights (shined) shone (through their) into his eyes. Spiderman (is) was gone(,) and will (never) not return till there is trouble.
No trouble, no spiderman.
Mrs Chien:Yes, I can see Spiderman because the verbs and vocabulary you used effectively showed me the action. Also I can hear the excited crowd.
Finally, Spiderman forced the Scorpion King to a dead end, where its grave was. Crowds cheered,"Hooray! Spiderman is our hero!!" Flashes of lights (shined) shone (through their) into his eyes. Spiderman (is) was gone(,) and will (never) not return till there is trouble.
No trouble, no spiderman.
Mrs Chien:Yes, I can see Spiderman because the verbs and vocabulary you used effectively showed me the action. Also I can hear the excited crowd.
Marathon 1
(Having leg problem) After a miserable car accident when I was seven, I could not walk like (as if ) a zebra that was injured by a lion's attack (which has eventually escaped)
However, I (have inspire to walk and run to) my dream was to become a marathon runner ( which was my dream). (Now, I am 21.)
I had been practicing walking (,) and running for the past few years. It was as difficult as climbing the 'Mount Everest'. Now I (am) was ready to run the 42km marathon. My legs were trembling (like a vibration in the handphone)(1). Soon, the marathon (was) started.
(Everyone which were about) (2) Two thousand people were jogging for the first few minutes (and) but they were getting faster and faster. I had a difficulty catching up with them. (The track was filled with cheering voices.) (3) and (There was) a few people even ran like mad cows. I felt like dying very soon as (it) I was very tired.
(While running for an hour, I saw a man with a brand new suites with the cost at the back part of the shirts. It was so expensive that i could not remember the number.) (4)
There was no one infront of me. I knew I was the last and felt terrible but soon I saw a sign "1km away to the end! HURRY!!!" then my feet (was getting) felt cramped. Suddenly I thought I heard (But I saw) my family members (were) cheering very loudly (that I can even hear them) even from a few hundreds metres away.
I knew I (have) had to try my best to achieve my dream. So, I ran as fast as my legs could carry me. ( and reached in a few minutes.) When I reached the end (, they gave me the medal of finishing the 42km marathon. Although I was not the winner, i was glad that I had finished the race. ) I smiled showing my ugly teeth without shame.
Mrs Chien: Attempts at making clear observations are excellent. I can see this marathon runner working so hard and his huge smile at the end!
Now don't be fazed by the large amount of corrections:
(1) Comparisons like the injured zebra are very effective in helping the reader imagine what is happening - in the case of the trembling legs, comparison is not needed.
(2)he word 'everyone', 'everything' is not useful to the story - always be specific - spectators, runners ...
(3)This observation does not fit into this paragraph where the main idea is about how hard the runners are working.
(4) Same as (3).
Finally, continue to work hard at changing actively how you view 'compo writing' and soon you will see improvement. Next time, attempt smaller pieces of writing and focus on a few sentences at a time.
However, I (have inspire to walk and run to) my dream was to become a marathon runner ( which was my dream). (Now, I am 21.)
I had been practicing walking (,) and running for the past few years. It was as difficult as climbing the 'Mount Everest'. Now I (am) was ready to run the 42km marathon. My legs were trembling (like a vibration in the handphone)(1). Soon, the marathon (was) started.
(Everyone which were about) (2) Two thousand people were jogging for the first few minutes (and) but they were getting faster and faster. I had a difficulty catching up with them. (The track was filled with cheering voices.) (3) and (There was) a few people even ran like mad cows. I felt like dying very soon as (it) I was very tired.
(While running for an hour, I saw a man with a brand new suites with the cost at the back part of the shirts. It was so expensive that i could not remember the number.) (4)
There was no one infront of me. I knew I was the last and felt terrible but soon I saw a sign "1km away to the end! HURRY!!!" then my feet (was getting) felt cramped. Suddenly I thought I heard (But I saw) my family members (were) cheering very loudly (that I can even hear them) even from a few hundreds metres away.
I knew I (have) had to try my best to achieve my dream. So, I ran as fast as my legs could carry me. ( and reached in a few minutes.) When I reached the end (, they gave me the medal of finishing the 42km marathon. Although I was not the winner, i was glad that I had finished the race. ) I smiled showing my ugly teeth without shame.
Mrs Chien: Attempts at making clear observations are excellent. I can see this marathon runner working so hard and his huge smile at the end!
Now don't be fazed by the large amount of corrections:
(1) Comparisons like the injured zebra are very effective in helping the reader imagine what is happening - in the case of the trembling legs, comparison is not needed.
(2)he word 'everyone', 'everything' is not useful to the story - always be specific - spectators, runners ...
(3)This observation does not fit into this paragraph where the main idea is about how hard the runners are working.
(4) Same as (3).
Finally, continue to work hard at changing actively how you view 'compo writing' and soon you will see improvement. Next time, attempt smaller pieces of writing and focus on a few sentences at a time.
Old man 1 / Best Old Man ***
I turned around to see an old man walking towards the one and the only seat in the train. He looked as if he could not support himself. As the empty seat was beside me, I could see his face clearer (at) with every step he took.
His face was scarred and wrinkled. After he sat, he gave me a toothless grin as I managed to say 'hi' to him. After a few moments of silence, he began mumbling to himself. I pretended I did not hear him and instead I stared at his raggedy clothes and shoes.
(At the next stop , he went out of the bus as he did not have any more money to continue his journey. He stopped at the streets of chicago and went a long way. It was a cold night and i wondered how he would survive out there and alone ........)
Mrs Chien: I can see the old man too and I can sense the author's kindness and empathy with your effective use of descriptions.
Keep on expermenting on adding deatils that develop 1 main idea at a time. Notice that if I remove the words 'I pretended...', a link would be missing as this is a totally different idea.
His face was scarred and wrinkled. After he sat, he gave me a toothless grin as I managed to say 'hi' to him. After a few moments of silence, he began mumbling to himself. I pretended I did not hear him and instead I stared at his raggedy clothes and shoes.
(At the next stop , he went out of the bus as he did not have any more money to continue his journey. He stopped at the streets of chicago and went a long way. It was a cold night and i wondered how he would survive out there and alone ........)
Mrs Chien: I can see the old man too and I can sense the author's kindness and empathy with your effective use of descriptions.
Keep on expermenting on adding deatils that develop 1 main idea at a time. Notice that if I remove the words 'I pretended...', a link would be missing as this is a totally different idea.
Marathon Runner 2
Nervous and worried, I waited for the marathon to start. "Bang !" the shot exploded from the black starter pistol. The marathon began in earnest. Three thousand people started running at the same time. I darted as fast as a lizard and kept my hopes high.
In my mind,voices chimed in my head, shouting, "Go! Go! Go! You can do it!" After what seemed like an hour, I saw the one mile sign. Beads of perspiration dripped down my face and I heaved a sigh of relief.
Mrs Chien: I see the scene and hear all the exciting sounds. Excellent transformation of writing with effective choice of words and great application of strategies taught.
This means your mind is extremely flexible if Sheryl allows it to.
In my mind,voices chimed in my head, shouting, "Go! Go! Go! You can do it!" After what seemed like an hour, I saw the one mile sign. Beads of perspiration dripped down my face and I heaved a sigh of relief.
Mrs Chien: I see the scene and hear all the exciting sounds. Excellent transformation of writing with effective choice of words and great application of strategies taught.
This means your mind is extremely flexible if Sheryl allows it to.
Oldman 2
The old man walked along the cold streets of Chicago. (He was cold and tired.) The icy cold wind blew on his wrinkled and flabby cheeks. He could hear his bones creaking.
(None of this would (happen) have happened if his unfilial children did not kick him out of his home. He was walking when he saw an mercedes benz passed by him. It braked next him and one of his richest nephew stepped out......)
Mrs Chien: Good attempt at using your senses in the first part but then in the second part, you went back to 'telling' me instead of helping me to see the old man.
(None of this would (happen) have happened if his unfilial children did not kick him out of his home. He was walking when he saw an mercedes benz passed by him. It braked next him and one of his richest nephew stepped out......)
Mrs Chien: Good attempt at using your senses in the first part but then in the second part, you went back to 'telling' me instead of helping me to see the old man.
Spiderman2
From zero to hero, Peter Parker used to be nobody in high-school. People used to laugh at him when he missed the bus.
However, one of the fifteen mutant spiders in the lab soon transformed his life. From then on, he was also known as: THE AMAZING (I mean really really really amazing) SPIDERMAN.
Marathon Runner 4 / Best Marathon Runner***
My heart was beating fast as the official man (said) bellowed, "Ready? Get set... Go!!!" I ran as fast as i could. Thousands of people were running all at once. The noise soon became louder and louder so that it could be heard from miles away.
After a while we (reach) reached (to) a sign (where it) which read Mile One. Torturous days of training had paid off. (After) Hearing my family cheering me on, I felt a surge of energy and I started dashing through person after person like a horse in a race.
Mrs Chien: Observations effectively bring the reader to the scene! The wonderful caomparison at the end is original and impactful.
Now that you can use the strategies, it's time to develop each idea by adding more details.
After a while we (reach) reached (to) a sign (where it) which read Mile One. Torturous days of training had paid off. (After) Hearing my family cheering me on, I felt a surge of energy and I started dashing through person after person like a horse in a race.
Mrs Chien: Observations effectively bring the reader to the scene! The wonderful caomparison at the end is original and impactful.
Now that you can use the strategies, it's time to develop each idea by adding more details.
Marathon Runner 3
(I looked around myself ,) There was a huge crowd (,there were so many people ,) old and young all of different shapes and sizes( you could imagine) . Looking closely, I noticed something similar about all the marathon runners - they were all in expensive tracksuits, except for me ! I felt so inferior.
It was an amazing sight ,and for the first time, I started to relax . But that did not last for long (,) because soon I broke into a sweat and my hands were clammy . (Suddenly, an old-looking man patted me on my shoulder and said ,'' Don't be nervous ,experience tells me that ,in marathons , one should never give up and never stop believing in yourself ,you can do it ,you can do it !"He then gave me an encouraging smile that gave me the courage .I wanted to thank him but a)
A (official-looking person) man shouted in a stern voice,"Line up and get ready to run !" Soon , it was as quiet as a cemetery. (The) Courage somehow ran out of my body and I felt butterflies in my stomach as my body tensed up. But a voice in my head rang loudly, cheering, "You can do it !You can do it !" The man blew a horn so loud ( ,) that I nearly jumped out of my skin.
(the marathon has started ! Five thousand people started running at the same time ! After what seemed a while ,I saw a 1 mile sign as the wind blew onto my face , i smiled a wide smile with a proud look on my face .)
Mrs Chien: Excellent use of feelings and keen observations allow the reader to be at the scene.
Now, it's so important to know when to focus your thoughts and not add extra details that will remove the excitement form the story.
Also be careful with your commas - when in doubt leave them out.
It was an amazing sight ,and for the first time, I started to relax . But that did not last for long (,) because soon I broke into a sweat and my hands were clammy . (Suddenly, an old-looking man patted me on my shoulder and said ,'' Don't be nervous ,experience tells me that ,in marathons , one should never give up and never stop believing in yourself ,you can do it ,you can do it !"He then gave me an encouraging smile that gave me the courage .I wanted to thank him but a)
A (official-looking person) man shouted in a stern voice,"Line up and get ready to run !" Soon , it was as quiet as a cemetery. (The) Courage somehow ran out of my body and I felt butterflies in my stomach as my body tensed up. But a voice in my head rang loudly, cheering, "You can do it !You can do it !" The man blew a horn so loud ( ,) that I nearly jumped out of my skin.
(the marathon has started ! Five thousand people started running at the same time ! After what seemed a while ,I saw a 1 mile sign as the wind blew onto my face , i smiled a wide smile with a proud look on my face .)
Mrs Chien: Excellent use of feelings and keen observations allow the reader to be at the scene.
Now, it's so important to know when to focus your thoughts and not add extra details that will remove the excitement form the story.
Also be careful with your commas - when in doubt leave them out.
Discipline Mistress 2
Everyone become as quiet as the mouse as the Discipline Mistress walked into the hall she was dragging Fauzia in her rough and big hand.She dragged Fauzia to the stage which is in front of the hall.Her eyes looked very huge and serious.Then,she took the mike and said ,"We have finally found the culprit of the person that tried to burn the toilet!".Then she took out a rough,thick cane from behind her back ,a table was dragged by a male teacher to the front of the hall which is visable to every single person in the hall.Fauzia stood forward shamefully and as the Discipline Mistress raised her cane i closed my eyes shut..........
Thief 2
The ever so sly and cunning theif sneaked into the museum which holds the worlds finest jewels.He wore a black mask whcih covered his entire face except for his eyes.He was wearing a suit as black as charcoal and had dark blue sapphire eyes.In one hand he held a big empty sack ,ready to be filled with the finest jewellerys there is.As he walked into the hallway he saw the most magnifecent ,beautiful and biggest diamond ever! kept in a glass box. He made a wicked smile ready to steal the diamond,reaching out with his enormous hand holding a knife ready to cut through the glass box and steal the diamond.
Old Man3
(One sunny day,) an old man was walking in the park when he tripped over a stone.Fortunately, a young man was jogging in the park. He quickly ran to help him. He asked whether he was badly injured. The old man said that he was all right. He had only a very minor cut on his right knee. The young man was relieved on hearing that. He helped him up and led him to the bench. The young man then applied a piece of medicated plaster over the cut.
After that, he continued jogging, happy that he had done his best to help the old man.
After that, he continued jogging, happy that he had done his best to help the old man.
Mrs Chien: You 'tell' too much. A writer describes to help us see and feel the scene and event. Try again. Please see the following. Can you see the man on the ground? Can you feel his pain?
The old man stumbled forward, his wrinkly hand trying to break his fall. Surprisingly he seemed to fall quietly like a leaf from a tall tree. His eyes immediately closed tight. He remained very still as if he was taking a nap except that his legs lay in an unusual position.
Spiderman 2
People watched from above as Spiderman jumped past the skyscrapers. They stared in awe. (Why? Tell us why. The reader wants to know.)
Reporters rushed to capture pictures of Spiderman. Flashes and clicks were heard. In two split seconds, Spiderman was gone.
Mrs Chien: Very effective use of varying lengths of sentences - some short and crisp and some longer. But you need to learn to develop your ideas.
Reporters rushed to capture pictures of Spiderman. Flashes and clicks were heard. In two split seconds, Spiderman was gone.
Mrs Chien: Very effective use of varying lengths of sentences - some short and crisp and some longer. But you need to learn to develop your ideas.
Thief 3
The greedy(, untrustworthy) thief croached silently into the Museum of Priceless Treasures. His black, striped mask covered his face completely except for his eys, which (was) were as sharp as arrows.
One of his (tricky and crafty hand) hands carried a sack, while the other seemed ready to grab the valuable treasure. As soon as he reached the special room (of the treasure), his eyes (were) locked on (it) the prize. He could (taste the treasure) sense victory already. With trembling hands he reached out for (the treasure) it. Sweats of anticipation rolled down his (greedy) face. The moment he touched the (treasure), golden statue, he gave a sly smile of success.
Mrs Chien: Ideas to help reader see the scene are excellent.
Repeating 1 word several time will make your story uninteresting - you used the word 'treasure' 6 times. Always find alternatives and use such words once in a paragraph.
One of his (tricky and crafty hand) hands carried a sack, while the other seemed ready to grab the valuable treasure. As soon as he reached the special room (of the treasure), his eyes (were) locked on (it) the prize. He could (taste the treasure) sense victory already. With trembling hands he reached out for (the treasure) it. Sweats of anticipation rolled down his (greedy) face. The moment he touched the (treasure), golden statue, he gave a sly smile of success.
Mrs Chien: Ideas to help reader see the scene are excellent.
Repeating 1 word several time will make your story uninteresting - you used the word 'treasure' 6 times. Always find alternatives and use such words once in a paragraph.
Bully1
We watched as the evil sharp eyes (1) of the bully wearing a slightly torn blood red school uniform (2) with slightly huge muscles (3) walking into the claassroom with his killer eyes glaring at everyone giving them a glacing look.
Mrs Chien: Why place all 3 ideas in 1 sentence? Please try again and slow down and develop each idea at a time.
Mrs Chien: Why place all 3 ideas in 1 sentence? Please try again and slow down and develop each idea at a time.
Spiderman
When bitten by a modified spider, a high school student,peter, gains spider-like abilities which he must use to fight evil such as the green goblin,deadly sandman and venom.
Mrs Chien: You did not apply any of the startegies discussed in class. Please try again
Mrs Chien: You did not apply any of the startegies discussed in class. Please try again
Oldman 6
The old ( and yet destitude) man (was) had been abandoned by his very own children. His clothes were as if they were sewn out of rags. He (was laying) lay on the floor, his eyes (bags black) like those of a panda. (and sagging all the way down like a midnight zombie)
People walking past him were sickened at the sight of him as he smelled. (of at least 600000000dead bodies combined together.) So he (had to keep) kept moving from place to place (. Many shop owners chase the old man from alley to alley ruining their business with his smell.Indeed the man somtimes would) often shedding tears thinking of how his children were doing.
Mrs Chien: Effective ideas. Note how less is often better. You must learn to focus on 1 main idea at a time.
People walking past him were sickened at the sight of him as he smelled. (of at least 600000000dead bodies combined together.) So he (had to keep) kept moving from place to place (. Many shop owners chase the old man from alley to alley ruining their business with his smell.Indeed the man somtimes would) often shedding tears thinking of how his children were doing.
Mrs Chien: Effective ideas. Note how less is often better. You must learn to focus on 1 main idea at a time.
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