The big bully walked into the class of 35 pupils and started shouting at the students (,).
( he said,)
' Whoever wants protection from me, has to pay me a fee of $20 a week!'
Everyone was afraid (1) of him as he was the most notorious (2) student in our entire school! (He went to a gang fight with 50 of his gang members at the void deck of Toh Yi Drive Blk 123 . he and his gang members took metal poles and some even took out Parangs' and went there to fight!!!! So now everyone is afraid of him. Even the biggest , largest and the scary looking Jordan was afraid of him!!!!)
Mrs Chien: How would someone scary look like? And how do you know when people are afraid?
For example: (2)
Even Jordan, the biggest bully in class dared not look at him. Strangely, I could hear the tick-tocking of the wall clock or was it coming from my own heart?
Also read my comments.
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In the heat of day
Lemonade chilled, sour yet cold
Sudden rain, wet shoes
by Jun Jie
Silent heat of day
Small white clouds dance in the sky
Blast of wind - colder
by Daniel
In the heat of day
Sitting in the shade, reading
Drops of water rained
by Fauzia
Windy afternoon
Hair sprawled all over my face
Wind stops, sneezing starts
by Jess
Windy afternoon
Money blown off people's hands
Lands in beggar's bowl
by Lucky
In the heat of day
Water evaporates fast
Rain comes, heat away
by Wei Zhi
Fear Pie' s and Eugene' s settings were voted best by 6 Grace pupils.
They received an overwhelming 28 votes each!
They used the words that I know but made the setting much better!
Both settings can be imagined or visualised and felt!
SeKwon
Eugene's setting reveals one point form the main event. It gives me a clue of what the main event is about!
I like the words 'untamed' wind as they form a picutre in my mind almost immediately.
Natalie
I intend to copy the similes and express my feelings. I also want to imagine myself at the scene so that I can describe better!
Charmaine
The 6 Grace writers teach me that simple words mixed in a sentence can really create a clear picture in my mind. It's really like a puzzle - you use a SUITABLE word and MATCH!
In order to "Show", not 'Tell', I have to add more feelings and expression to let the reader feel and picture the image of what's happening!
Jordan
Do not write the same way you speak!
Natalie
*Even simple words can stand out from others.
*Make similes that are original.
*Use action-packed verbs when the situation is critical.
*Link paragraphs.
*Try not to be out of point!
Chao Jun
Chosen vocabulary can be simple but effective.
Do not digress!
Try not to use the same word over again and again.
Eugene
In Summary
1) One doesn't need to use excellent vocabulary all the time but we must try to use a varied language.
2) Sentence structure helps when you write as it gives readers a complete story, not bits and pieces.
3) "Showing" helps build excitement.
4) Verbs are useful to express actions, feelings and emotions.
Daniel
Simple words can also make a story interesting. As writers, we need to to choose relevant words to spice up the story and make the reader WANT to continue reading on.
Clarissa
The 6 Grace writers used simple words for what they imagine - trees, vehicles and vases - and write what they see.
I should do some planning on simple words I can use and have a broad mind!
Darren
Chosen vocabulary can be simple but needs to be correctly placed.
The 6 Grace authors taught me that under pressure, we must still think of descriptive words.
Even the simplest word like 'red' will make the composition stand out.
I will remember to describe my emotions next time.
Charmaine
Phrase my sentences well and choose the right words.
A word can express feelings and thoughts.
Use similes and describe things well!
A few decorative words can light up the whole composition.
Theresa
6 Grace
2009:
39 pupils - 20 Girls / 19 Boys
2008:
36 pupils - 12 girls / 24 boys
Generous of Mind and Spirit,
Responsible students as well as teacher, we aim to be!
Action is better than pretty words, we know!
Caring and Cool, we shun colourful words!
Endless enthusiasm for each other and Learning is vital to US!
39 pupils - 20 Girls / 19 Boys
2008:
36 pupils - 12 girls / 24 boys
Generous of Mind and Spirit,
Responsible students as well as teacher, we aim to be!
Action is better than pretty words, we know!
Caring and Cool, we shun colourful words!
Endless enthusiasm for each other and Learning is vital to US!
6 grace 2009
Class Rules
Believe in Yourself
Every Piece of Work Counts
100% Participation
Mind Your language
We, 6 Grace adopt the values LOVE and RESPECT for 2009
Believe in Yourself
Every Piece of Work Counts
100% Participation
Mind Your language
We, 6 Grace adopt the values LOVE and RESPECT for 2009
6 Grace 2008
"6 Grace is a funny, independent and confident class."
"I think I was sent to this class to make me a better person than I used to be."
"6 Grace pupils are very daring with their answers, whether answers are right or wrong!"
"I think I was sent to this class to make me a better person than I used to be."
"6 Grace pupils are very daring with their answers, whether answers are right or wrong!"
When editing work, go to the Posted text and edit using a different colour. Do not forget to write your name at the end showing who edited the work.
You are looking for grammatical errors and ways to making sentence structure better.
Please note that in editing, you do not change someone's story. Thank you!
You are looking for grammatical errors and ways to making sentence structure better.
Please note that in editing, you do not change someone's story. Thank you!
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Haikus - About the Weather
In the heat of day
Lemonade chilled, sour yet cold
Sudden rain, wet shoes
by Jun Jie
Silent heat of day
Small white clouds dance in the sky
Blast of wind - colder
by Daniel
In the heat of day
Sitting in the shade, reading
Drops of water rained
by Fauzia
Windy afternoon
Hair sprawled all over my face
Wind stops, sneezing starts
by Jess
Windy afternoon
Money blown off people's hands
Lands in beggar's bowl
by Lucky
In the heat of day
Water evaporates fast
Rain comes, heat away
by Wei Zhi
Science Group Work
Brilliant Co-opeartion
KUDOS for Best Settings
Fear Pie' s and Eugene' s settings were voted best by 6 Grace pupils.
They received an overwhelming 28 votes each!
They used the words that I know but made the setting much better!
Both settings can be imagined or visualised and felt!
SeKwon
Eugene's setting reveals one point form the main event. It gives me a clue of what the main event is about!
I like the words 'untamed' wind as they form a picutre in my mind almost immediately.
Natalie
I intend to copy the similes and express my feelings. I also want to imagine myself at the scene so that I can describe better!
Charmaine
About Simple Words
The 6 Grace writers teach me that simple words mixed in a sentence can really create a clear picture in my mind. It's really like a puzzle - you use a SUITABLE word and MATCH!
In order to "Show", not 'Tell', I have to add more feelings and expression to let the reader feel and picture the image of what's happening!
Jordan
Do not write the same way you speak!
Natalie
*Even simple words can stand out from others.
*Make similes that are original.
*Use action-packed verbs when the situation is critical.
*Link paragraphs.
*Try not to be out of point!
Chao Jun
Chosen vocabulary can be simple but effective.
Do not digress!
Try not to use the same word over again and again.
Eugene
In Summary
1) One doesn't need to use excellent vocabulary all the time but we must try to use a varied language.
2) Sentence structure helps when you write as it gives readers a complete story, not bits and pieces.
3) "Showing" helps build excitement.
4) Verbs are useful to express actions, feelings and emotions.
Daniel
Simple words can also make a story interesting. As writers, we need to to choose relevant words to spice up the story and make the reader WANT to continue reading on.
Clarissa
The 6 Grace writers used simple words for what they imagine - trees, vehicles and vases - and write what they see.
I should do some planning on simple words I can use and have a broad mind!
Darren
Chosen vocabulary can be simple but needs to be correctly placed.
The 6 Grace authors taught me that under pressure, we must still think of descriptive words.
Even the simplest word like 'red' will make the composition stand out.
I will remember to describe my emotions next time.
Charmaine
Phrase my sentences well and choose the right words.
A word can express feelings and thoughts.
Use similes and describe things well!
A few decorative words can light up the whole composition.
Theresa
2 comments:
i am rewritting this.
Nirmal the school bully walked into the class of 35 pupils and started shouting at the students, he said, “Whoever wants protection from me has to pay me a fee of $20 a week!” Everyone was afraid of him and he was the most notorious student in the entire school! He has gone to a gang fight with 50 of his gang members at the void deck of Toh Yi Drive Blk 123. He and his gang members took metal poles and some even took out Parangs' and went there to fight!!!! So now everyone is afraid of him. Even the biggest, largest and the scary looking Jordan was afraid of him!!!!All of a sudden Mr.effandi, the discipline master entered the classroom. Mr. Effendi had been hiding outside the classroom. He was shocked to see nirmal bullying the pupils of primary 6grace. Immediately, he gave nirmal an offence form for bullying his class mates. As it was nirmal’s fifteenth offence form, he was expelled from school for a month. The rest of the pupils in 6grace lived happily ever after.
Good efforts here but you need to understand that writing cannot be acquired in a few days.
In your writing, you are still "telling" me everything. Readers prefer clues to make their own decisions. that's why you need to "show" me clues.
Take the following exanmple:
"Everyone was afraid of him and he was the most notorious student in the entire school!"
Show me everyone being afraid first:
As he entered the hall, The Primary Six pupils immediately dispersed as if by magic and a silent hush replaced the laughter.
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