(I looked around myself ,) There was a huge crowd (,there were so many people ,) old and young all of different shapes and sizes( you could imagine) . Looking closely, I noticed something similar about all the marathon runners - they were all in expensive tracksuits, except for me ! I felt so inferior.
It was an amazing sight ,and for the first time, I started to relax . But that did not last for long (,) because soon I broke into a sweat and my hands were clammy . (Suddenly, an old-looking man patted me on my shoulder and said ,'' Don't be nervous ,experience tells me that ,in marathons , one should never give up and never stop believing in yourself ,you can do it ,you can do it !"He then gave me an encouraging smile that gave me the courage .I wanted to thank him but a)
A (official-looking person) man shouted in a stern voice,"Line up and get ready to run !" Soon , it was as quiet as a cemetery. (The) Courage somehow ran out of my body and I felt butterflies in my stomach as my body tensed up. But a voice in my head rang loudly, cheering, "You can do it !You can do it !" The man blew a horn so loud ( ,) that I nearly jumped out of my skin.
(the marathon has started ! Five thousand people started running at the same time ! After what seemed a while ,I saw a 1 mile sign as the wind blew onto my face , i smiled a wide smile with a proud look on my face .)
Mrs Chien: Excellent use of feelings and keen observations allow the reader to be at the scene.
Now, it's so important to know when to focus your thoughts and not add extra details that will remove the excitement form the story.
Also be careful with your commas - when in doubt leave them out.
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