Best Descriptions Awarded

Please review the comments by Teacher on your work. Thank you for the excellent efforts put into your work. I enjoyed reading your postings.

Thief 3

The ever so sly and cunning theif sneaked into the museum which holds the worlds finest jewels.He wore a black mask whcih covered his entire face except for his eyes.He was wearing a suit as black as charcoal and had dark blue sapphire eyes.In one hand he held a big empty sack ,ready to be filled with the finest jewellerys there is.As he walked into the hallway he saw the most magnifecent ,beautiful and biggest diamond ever! kept in a glass box. He made a wicked smile ready to steal the diamond,reaching out with his enormous hand holding a knife ready to cut through the glass box and steal the diamond.

The ever so sly and cunning (theif) thief sneaked into the museum which (holds) held the world's finest jewels. He wore a black mask which covered his entire face except for his eyes. (He was wearing a suit as black as night and had dark blue sapphire eyes.) In one hand, he held a big empty sack ready to be filled with the finest jewels of all colours.

As he walked into the hallway, he saw the most (magnificent, ) eye-catching and biggest diamond ever! It was kept in a glamorous glass box.

He (made a wicked smile to himself) smiled wickedly (and got ready to steal the diamond,) reaching out with (his) an enormous ( hand holding a) knife, ready to cut through the glass box and steal the diamond.

Mrs Chien: I can see this thief! This means the description was effective! Yes!

Now, sometimes, it's better to refrain from physical descriptions as they can sound awkward. Instead describing people's actions is more interesting. Also 1 brilliant adjective can be better that 2 not so great ones.

Discipline Mistress 2

Everyone kept silent as the Discipline Mistress walked into the hall she was holding Fauzia's hand in her hand.She dragged Fauzia to the front of the hall.Her eyes looked very serious.Then,she took the mike and said ,"We have found the culprit of the person that tried to burn the toilet".Then she took out a cane from behind her back ,a table was dragged to the front of the hall.Fauzia stood forward and as the Discipline Mistress raised her cane i closed my eyes.........
By Hong Wei


Everyone kept silent as the Discipline Mistress walked into the hall. She was holding Fauzia's hand and dragged her to the front of the hall.

Her eyes looked very serious ( she took the mike) and taking the microphone, she said harshly, "We have found the culprit who tried to burn the toilet". Slowly, she took out a cane from behind her back while a table was dragged to the front of the hall.

Fauzia stood forward and as the Discipline Mistress raised her cane I closed my eyes.........

Mrs Chien: Successful description that allows us to see the action on stage.
Try to create smooth movement in between sentences.

Discipline Mistress 3

The (fat and) plump discipline mistress walked (along the way linked to) into the hall. (Everyone shut down their 'machine gun in their mounth' and the hall) The noise stopped (was as died) as in a deserted haunted house.

She took out a notebook and called out the ('criminals') names(, ) (mine friends) Justin and Pete prayed hard (to god to let them off this and the only time but they all know what was going to happen to them.) not to be on the list.

When their names (was) were being call they knew that they are going to bear the consequnces of damaging the school property.Last week, when they are being questioned by the disipline misstress they denied it but the dissipline misstress found out who was the culprit. So today they are going to be caned!When the disipline misstress gave the order the teacher hold up the can and slash,that hurt!! screamed of pain echoed the hall and that certainly sent down shrill down mine spine,mine hands feel wet and numb.....

Mrs Chien: In the first part, there is an attempt at using your senses to make observations at what was happening in the hall. That is good.

But in the second part, you revert back to telling the reader eveything and the story immediately lost originality and momentum.

Discipline Mistress 1

I watched in amusement as I saw the (ever so scary) Discipline Mistress (gave) give a lecture to HongWei (, a very annoying boy,) outside the noisy hall.

(The discipline Mistress was wearing a blue, long-sleeved shirt and pink skirt which looked tight on her chubby body.)(1)

Her face (was) looked frightening (with all the frowns) as she frowned and her angry eyes ( they were serious, angry and) were piercing sharp. Her gray and black hair was up in a bun and her glasses (were) dangling (off) on the tip of her nose shook with every word that came out of her mouth. ( her hands were on her hips clenched into a fist.)

I took a glance at the terrified Hong Wei and scurried into the hall, not wanting to meet the Discipline Misstress' eyes. (I saw the Discipline Mistress dismiss Hong Wei off, who was sobbing quietly.)

Mrs Chien: Some excellent observations make us see the Discipline Mistress well.

Physical descriptions can often be awkward, so refrain from using them. Instead describe people's actions which always lead to a more vivid picture.

Notice that by adding the phrase in red, I allow you to see how scary she is - I didn't need to tell you she was scary.

Thief 5!!!

The thief crept into the room quietly(,). (the atmosphere around) It was very quiet. The thief had (wrap) wrapped a piece of black cloth around his mouth to prevent people from recognising him. His eyes brightened when he finally found the gold he was looking for. (The thief) He put the gold into his bag and ran out in fear. "Bee Bee....." The security alarm rang(,). For a moment, he froze, (and) looked around and immediately ran out...


Mrs Chien: Some good observations were made.
Try not to repeat the same word over and over - that will make your reader lose interest. Here oyu used the word 'thief' 3 times. You can use other synonyms like - robber, the man, the intruder...

Bully 1

The big bully walked into the class of 35 pupils and started shouting at the students (,).
( he said,)
' Whoever wants protection from me, has to pay me a fee of $20 a week!'

Everyone was afraid (1) of him as he was the most notorious (2) student in our entire school! (He went to a gang fight with 50 of his gang members at the void deck of Toh Yi Drive Blk 123 . he and his gang members took metal poles and some even took out Parangs' and went there to fight!!!! So now everyone is afraid of him. Even the biggest , largest and the scary looking Jordan was afraid of him!!!!)

Mrs Chien: How would someone scary look like? And how do you know when people are afraid?

For example: (2)
Even Jordan, the biggest bully in class dared not look at him. Strangely, I could hear the tick-tocking of the wall clock or was it coming from my own heart?
Also read my comments.

Spiderman 3 / Best Spiderman ***

Spiderman swooped down from the clouds. While the spectators cheered, Spiderman fought his enemy, the Scorpion King. He shot his web all around the sky like a bird's nest.

Finally, Spiderman forced the Scorpion King to a dead end, where its grave was. Crowds cheered,"Hooray! Spiderman is our hero!!" Flashes of lights (shined) shone (through their) into his eyes. Spiderman (is) was gone(,) and will (never) not return till there is trouble.

No trouble, no spiderman.

Mrs Chien:Yes, I can see Spiderman because the verbs and vocabulary you used effectively showed me the action. Also I can hear the excited crowd.

Marathon 1

(Having leg problem) After a miserable car accident when I was seven, I could not walk like (as if ) a zebra that was injured by a lion's attack (which has eventually escaped)

However, I (have inspire to walk and run to) my dream was to become a marathon runner ( which was my dream). (Now, I am 21.)

I had been practicing walking (,) and running for the past few years. It was as difficult as climbing the 'Mount Everest'. Now I (am) was ready to run the 42km marathon. My legs were trembling (like a vibration in the handphone)(1). Soon, the marathon (was) started.

(Everyone which were about) (2) Two thousand people were jogging for the first few minutes (and) but they were getting faster and faster. I had a difficulty catching up with them. (The track was filled with cheering voices.) (3) and (There was) a few people even ran like mad cows. I felt like dying very soon as (it) I was very tired.

(While running for an hour, I saw a man with a brand new suites with the cost at the back part of the shirts. It was so expensive that i could not remember the number.) (4)

There was no one infront of me. I knew I was the last and felt terrible but soon I saw a sign "1km away to the end! HURRY!!!" then my feet (was getting) felt cramped. Suddenly I thought I heard (But I saw) my family members (were) cheering very loudly (that I can even hear them) even from a few hundreds metres away.

I knew I (have) had to try my best to achieve my dream. So, I ran as fast as my legs could carry me. ( and reached in a few minutes.) When I reached the end (, they gave me the medal of finishing the 42km marathon. Although I was not the winner, i was glad that I had finished the race. ) I smiled showing my ugly teeth without shame.

Mrs Chien: Attempts at making clear observations are excellent. I can see this marathon runner working so hard and his huge smile at the end!
Now don't be fazed by the large amount of corrections:
(1) Comparisons like the injured zebra are very effective in helping the reader imagine what is happening - in the case of the trembling legs, comparison is not needed.
(2)he word 'everyone', 'everything' is not useful to the story - always be specific - spectators, runners ...
(3)This observation does not fit into this paragraph where the main idea is about how hard the runners are working.
(4) Same as (3).
Finally, continue to work hard at changing actively how you view 'compo writing' and soon you will see improvement. Next time, attempt smaller pieces of writing and focus on a few sentences at a time.

Old man 1 / Best Old Man ***

I turned around to see an old man walking towards the one and the only seat in the train. He looked as if he could not support himself. As the empty seat was beside me, I could see his face clearer (at) with every step he took.

His face was scarred and wrinkled. After he sat, he gave me a toothless grin as I managed to say 'hi' to him. After a few moments of silence, he began mumbling to himself. I pretended I did not hear him and instead I stared at his raggedy clothes and shoes.

(At the next stop , he went out of the bus as he did not have any more money to continue his journey. He stopped at the streets of chicago and went a long way. It was a cold night and i wondered how he would survive out there and alone ........)

Mrs Chien: I can see the old man too and I can sense the author's kindness and empathy with your effective use of descriptions.
Keep on expermenting on adding deatils that develop 1 main idea at a time. Notice that if I remove the words 'I pretended...', a link would be missing as this is a totally different idea.